Gateways: “AlphaZip Training Video 1” by Russ Kaminski read by Morgan Fuller

TRANSCRIPT: Russ Kaminski has a degree in film production and has written primarily for short film and theater. He also has written and performed standup comedy. Russ tells us he is most interested in stories of relationships and answering “what if” questions. This is “AlphaZip Training Video 1”.

Hello! Welcome to your first day as a member of the AlphaZip family. My name is Jesse, and I’ll be your virtual tour guide through your training. If you ever have any questions, just say “Hey Jesse.”

AlphaZip was founded with the mission of becoming Earth’s most customer-centered delivery company. A mission we accomplished. Our new mission is to take our philosophy of customer service to the solar system and beyond. Here at AlphaZip, we continually raise the bar of customer service by using our technology to help consumers and businesses find, discover, purchase, and sell anything their hearts desire. And we mean anything – because we have everything.

You have already been through AlphaZip’s rigorous interview process, background check, and genetic sequencing. Congratulations on being accepted into the position of – Customer Support. Facilitator. This role is the cornerstone of our family. You were placed in your role by our algorithms to ensure efficiency and success at every level. You can trust that AlphaZip knows what’s best for its family.

That’s right. Here at AlphaZip we don’t use the word “employee.” You are now a member of the AlphaZip family. Legally speaking. That means you are entitled to the many perks that come with being a family member.

One of these is ZipHealth. We know that many of our newer family members have come to AlphaZip because of the difficult conditions caused by Gamma Plague. Please rest assured that all AlphaZip family members have been screened for Gamma Plague, and no one with Gamma Plague is allowed in corporate offices. In the extremely unlikely chance that you become afflicted with Gamma Plague, ZipHealth will cover part of your healthcare and living costs as long as you have completed 180 days in your current role. For those who need additional financial support due to Gamma Plague, we offer the opportunity to earn extra income as a Fulfillment Technician in one of our many planetary warehouses..

In addition to ZipHealth, AlphaZip offers ZipLife. This life insurance policy will be offered at a discount. In the event of an unforeseen death and dismemberment, your immediate family is entitled to up to sixty percent of the insurance payout. Your AlphaZip family is entitled to the rest. This way, your entire family is taken care of!

We strongly recommend taking advantage of both Zip-Health and Zip-Life. On an unrelated note, you have probably heard of AlphaZip’s popular work-travel opportunities to Mars, the moons of Jupiter, Proxima Centauri, the Gamma Plague Zone, and even Earth. AlphaZip’s delivery service takes our customers’ desires all across the galaxy. When deliveries need to be escorted to their destination in person, that’s when we send a – Customer Service Facilitator. like you. Be aware that assignments are part of your contract and refusal to participate is grounds for termination.

Safety for our family members is our second most important mission after customer service. To ensure the safety of our family, AlphaZip developed ZipSecure. AlphaZip is a progressive company, which is why we have abolished the police within all of our campuses, delivery routes, and colonies. If you have any concerns about safety and security, please contact ZipSecure. Please note that should your family membership be terminated, you will no longer have access to the safety and security provided by ZipSecure.

These are the many perks you will find in your work here at AlphaZip. Oops, did I say “work?’ Here at AlphaZip we don’t say the “w” word. We say “using your gifts.” In your role as – Customer Support. Facilitator. you will be using your gifts to ensure customer satisfaction. Throughout our hiring process we have determined that you have a gift for communication and de-escalation. The feedback you get from our valued customers will be used to make our fulfillment process more successful and efficient. Your analysis of customer needs will help AlphaZip determine which Warehouse Fulfillment Technicians are working in the best interests of AlphaZip.

Please do not attempt to communicate directly with our Warehouse Fulfillment Technicians. Communicating with Warehouse Fulfillment Technicians is grounds for termination. If you are approached by a Warehouse Fulfillment Technician, please contact ZipSecure. Then contact ZipHealth, as many Warehouse Fulfillment Technicians have tested positive for Gamma Plague. Warehouse Fulfillment Technicians have been known to use lies about unionization in order to lure family members into working against their own interests. Unions are dangerous for our family members. Here at AlphaZip, we respect your individual needs. We know your individual needs because we have access to your genome sequence. You can trust that AlphaZip knows what’s best.

You will recognize a Warehouse Fulfillment Technician by noting the “W” tattooed on their forehead. In contrast, by now you have noticed the large “C” tattooed on your own forehead. This tattoo system ensures that you know which family members you are permitted to interact with. Don’t worry about the tattoo being permanent, though. It is very rare for a family member to leave their assigned team, but the tattoo is removable in extenuating circumstances such as promotion, termination, or an affliction with Gamma Plague that would make you unfit to work in corporate offices.

Speaking of teams, it’s not uncommon for friendly rivalries to develop between different teams of family members. These rivalries are healthy and important for forming family cohesion. Be sure to register for the monthly Field Day, in which members of different teams are selected at random to participate in athletic challenges. Failure to register for Field Day is grounds for termination. Here at AlphaZip, we don’t play favorites. But if we did, your team. Customer Support. would be at the top!

Occasionally you will notice that a family member from your team has disappeared and you have no way to communicate with them. This is normal. Attempting to communicate with the missing family member or asking about them is grounds for termination. You can trust that AlphaZip knows what’s best. If after two weeks, a missing family member returns to corporate offices or a housing complex, please contact ZipSecure.

As a member of the AlphaZip family, you will be housemates with one other member of your AlphaZip family. Due to shift scheduling, you two will never be in your housing unit at the same time. You will have access to your housing unit during your scheduled housing hours. We don’t use the term, “curfew,” at AlphaZip. Leaving your housing unit outside of your scheduled housing hours is grounds for termination. If you see anyone in your housing complex outside of housing hours, please contact ZipSecure.

Your housemate is a member of your AlphaZip family. Please do not attempt to meet your housemate in person. Please do not attempt to communicate with your housemate. Communication between housemates is grounds for termination. Communication includes but is not limited to writing, electronic messages, or cryptic messages drawn in food, water, soap, or bodily fluids. If you receive any communication from your housemate, please contact ZipSecure.

You may feel loyalty or even affection to your family members. Please do your best to direct your loyalty and affection towards AlphaZip. Because AlphaZip hires so many wonderful people to be part of the family, it’s not surprising that family members may develop romantic feelings for each other. Romantic liaisons with family members are grounds for termination. If you feel physical urges that you need addressed, please contact ZipSecure.

This completes our introduction. Over the next eleven hours, I will be taking you through the specific training and scenarios related to your new role. Again, congratulations on becoming a member of the AlphaZip family.

AlphaZip – where we have everything, and there is nothing to lose!

Morgan Fuller is a fairly new Chicago-based actor/performer! Her Chicago debut took place in February in the staged reading of Zack Peercy’s Muted in which she played Chelsea. Until it’s safe for theatres to re-open, Morgan can be seen riding her bike around town or doing handstands in the park. You can also find Morgan in the online Zoom classrooms of the Actor’s Gymnasium, where she is a regular.